I was having a conversation with one of my female friends, a gynaecologist last week poolside at the Hilton and she dropped a phrase on me that struck my funny bone, right in the sweet spot, so much so I almost spat out my apple vodka martini. She was railing about how Jamaica was a land of the 'traumatised vaginas' because of the 'daggering culture' that prevails in this country and how men need to understand the delicate petals of a flower that is a woman and blah-de-blah-blah-blah.
I wasn't surprised.
NOTE: LOUD REGGAE MUSIC WILL COME OUT IF YOU CLICK.
A potential side effect of The Scandal:
1. Sales of Penn State apparel might be down, but there are still millions of Penn State fans out there, and most of them own T-shirts, game shirts, hoodies, et cetera.
2. A significant number of Penn State fans will be inspired to ditch some of their apparel. Some will go in the trash, but much of it will be donated to charity.
3. When Americans donate clothes to charity, much of it makes its way to Africa.
4. If all of that is true, there will soon be a significant uptick in the number of PENN STATE and HAPPY VALLEY items being shipped to Africa.
5. Assuming that many of the recipients of these clothes might be unfamiliar with American institutions of higher learning — and the Sandusky scandal is probably not in the news in their countries — then the brand "Penn State" will have increased visibility (benignly) in the eyes of Africans.
6. If increased visibility = higher status, then it is highly possible that Penn State will see an increase in interest from African citizens in the coming years.
... I beheld this dude:
His raps, I say, must be permitted to speak for themselves.But I'm thinkin' I like him better as a crooner. Raw, yo:
NOTE: It's up to you, Cesspool Nation Kids, to find the other gems. Or maybe they're all gems. Get the full load -- like 2,800 uploads! -- at his YouTube joint. Chief topics: soccer, Lakers, Twilight, Twitter, Karate Kid, love.
No need to have armies of photographers, shootin' pictures of airplanes and grounded passengers and empty supermarket bins. Just do this:
MAN THWARTED IN ATTEMPT TO BUY FLOWERS
ASTHMA SUFFERERS: DON'T HUFF THIS
NEXT TIME PACK YOUR PHONE CHARGER
SO MUCH FOR THAT TRIP TO AMSTERDAM
YOU MIGHT WANNA SELL
THAT INTERNATIONAL STOCK FUND
BLACK HOLE SUN, WON'T YOU COME
AND WASH AWAY THE RAIN, BLACK HOLE SUN,
BLACK HOLE SUN, BLACK HOLE SUN
And so, more than 18 months later, it is still true that we cannot stop thinking about Quatchi. We've grown to know him quite well, and although he is generally a gentle and noble beast, we're pretty sure he steals our food sometimes. And he hasn't washed those earmuffs in awhile. Otherwise, though, dude can party, at least until the weed kicks in. If you hate him, you are an evil, soulless robot and you must be destroyed by Canadian weaponry.
(Photo by NowPublic.com user bensonkua.)
Show me the projected-path map for a hurricane, and my inner 12-year-old rushes to the surface: Where's it gonna hit? Hmm? Hmm? That kid is an asshole, though, because ever since Katrina, there's no reason to get excited about a huge fucking storm heading toward any coast. So then my inner old guy speaks up, and he tells the 12-year-old that he's an asshole, and the 12-year-old goes back to his room to do the private things that 12-year-olds do. I'm always catching that kid with his winky in his hands. The old guy? He wants you to look at the map, in case Bill is gonna fuck your shit up. That means you, Bermuda:
|Where does one start with this? I'm fryin' my circuits with one-liners about Long John Silver's alone. More of the press release after the jump.|
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Christina Aguilera Lends Powerful Voice
in Fight to End Hunger as
Global Spokesperson for
World Hunger Relief Effort this Fall
Aguilera Raises Awareness of Hunger Issue by Appearing in PSA, Advertising, Posters and Online Campaign, FromHungerToHope.com
Louisville, KY, July 15, 2009 – Yum! Brands announced today that five-time Grammy Award winner Christina Aguilera is giving hunger a powerful voice by becoming the global spokesperson for World Hunger Relief.
|He's like Ice-T, after the "Cop Killer" years, but before the "Law & Order" gig really got going. That is, OBL is the tuckered-out supervillain who has been bogarting the microphone because no other MC has taken up the mantle of "scourge of the Man." Cap'n Qaeda needs an Eminem* to shake him loose so he can stop faking the hardass front.|
* Eminem, meanwhile, needs to find his "Law & Order" gig.**
** This begs the question, "Who is Eminem's Eminem?" I didn't think about that.
F1avor and piyoJ' are FreakyJapsTV.
They don't get a lot of hits.
(Montage* Collage assembled by Pop Cesspool)
* You'd think I'd know the difference between a collage and a montage by now.
If I ran a Mexican drug cartel that sold a lot of weed, I'd stop murdering people to protect my business. Instead, I'd get with Hollywood to create a new-generation Cheech and Chong. Because right now, when the American public* thinks of "Mexicans and drugs," it thinks of severed heads in beer coolers, kidnapped politicians and tunnels under the border. So, y'know, the smart PR move -- for the savvy dealer -- would be to shift the paradigm back to "dopey Chicano dudes who just wanna get high." CNN:
* When I say the American public, I mean the people who don't buy weed. When many weed consumers think of "Mexicans and drugs," they are probably just glad to have the hookup, even if the weed is shitty.
Now that Everything Officially Sucks And Baby Boomers Are Doomed To Be Unsatisfied Assholes Forever, even the barolo is bad, apparently. You could almost taste the global economic desperation in this, if the sense of entitlement weren't totally in the way:
In Cesspool Land, our Crazy Gland is pumpin' out these things as potential perpetrators of that bigass Beijing blaze, yo:
2. Kung pao farts
3. Rem Koolhaus himself, bein' all meta
4. Thrash metal
5. Michael Bay
Yawn, some shit is on fire:
UNRELATED ADDENDUM: In the shoe-toss video, I'd love to see a Fox PitchTracker box around Bush's head. Of course, PitchTracker was so shitty, it would show both shoes as balls, not strikes.
SUGGESTION: Back in the day, "Not Necessarily The News" would have shown the two tosses, then cut to a (staged) shot of the guy rolling on the ground, and he'd have three legs, and he'd be trying to get the shoe off the third leg to throw it.
UPDATE: The BoingBoing comments -- but not the original post -- have lots of info. Still, if you're able to provide a concise, authoritative explanation of this, lay it on me, because I'm too lazy to aggregate it myself.
Seems like they should've waited for the holiday leftover season, but whatever. And why are those people in the picture so mad? I mean, it's probably a pretty bland, inoffensive dish, but that's no reason to be all depressed & shit:
After decades of communist rule, the Russian people haven't come up with a world-class punk band or a standup comedian who can erase the stain of Yakov Smirnov. No, their idea of fun is spamming the shit out of us. At least Russia's rich assholes prefer London. I mean, they probably think the spam is funny. Bully for them.
Nintendo said Friday it will replace 3.2 million straps for its popular Wii computer game consoles after the Japanese game maker received a rash of reports that the device flew out of the hands of enthusiastic players.
My first thought: I guarantee there are zany Nipponese comedy skits that feature the Wii controller flying into fat guys' buttocks, up ladies' skirts, through piles of food, upside the heads of pets, and into religious gongs during silent ceremonies.
The Cesspool believes that most "odd news" is hardly odd, or news. Example: Next time you see a headline with the word "penis" in it, say to yourself, "of course that can happen to a penis" before you open the story. Your perspective will be more Cesspoolian. You will thank me.
However, if you open the story and you still find yourself saying, "holy shit, I can't believe that can happen to a penis!" ... it's probably "odd news."
Anyway, when I see "Girl Skates Under 40 Cars," and the video is as good as this, I start believing in life again.
Who would play Fela? Who would rock that speedo and cigarette?
Isn't "Mexican NASA" a strain of cheeba? From Reuters:
MEXICO CITY -- They may be light years away from fulfilling their dream, but Mexican lawmakers are preparing to launch a national space agency they hope could one day stand tall beside the United States' NASA.
Mexico's lower house passed a law on Wednesday, which if approved by the upper chamber, would create a space agency to coordinate research and work with universities and the private sector to launch communication and weather satellites.
Don Cheadle gets my vote as one of the few Hollywood Activists Who Matter. And "Journey Into Sunset" looks like one of those stories that must be told. I just want to be clear about all of that. But when I look at these photos, I can't help but think, "These would be amazing if Flavor Flav was doing some 'yeah boyyy' poses in the background of each one, like Where's Waldo." Click through 'em all, and you'll see what I mean. 'Tis a strange compulsion, and for this, I apologize. Maybe I'll hit the Photoshop later today, to produce some prototypes.
He wants you to riot in the streets when he dies. But we're all like, "dude, if you didn't suck so hard, we might think about considering it." Rajkumar, by contrast, survived a kidnapping by "the country's most notorious bandit," according to AFP. And that Reuters story notes:
Actors in the southern Indian film industry are often revered with as much intensity as the gods they regularly portray on screen. Many people include icons of their favourite star in their household shrine, alongside portrayals of the more usual Hindu pantheon.
I don't even see a need to riff on that, vis a vis Tommy. The possibilities -- as I have noted before on similar topics -- are endless.
I will say this, though: Brooklyn got like that for Biggie. (Scroll down for photos.)
Couldn't you have shot some Nelly fans instead?
I care far more about this than this. Maybe it's because baseball had to sneak mainland China (which didn't even have a national team until a few years ago) and Italy (Jason Simontacchi, anyone?) into the mix just to complete a globally significant 16-team field.
The World Cup, on the other hand, is one of the greatest reasons to have beer & doughnuts before going to work.
Not that anybody should need a reason, but, y'know, I'm a romantic.
STRIKE DELAYS OPENING OF COLD, FLU SEASON
HONG KONG (PCNN) -- Citing lackluster salaries and an overall downturn in public opinion of their trade, the children who professionally frolic with livestock in order to transmit new cold and flu viruses to the globe have gone on strike in at least seven Asian nations. In response, officials delayed the start of cold and flu season to Dec. 17, about three weeks later than expected. The International Youth Brotherhood of Animal-Based Contagion Creators ordered all members to stop working on Tuesday, with the hopes of renegotiating its contracts with major pharmaceutical companies. "We work hard. We make the world sick so it can only be stronger. We deserve more," said Kung Yook Soo, the Korea-based spokesman for the union. "The international conglomerates also should be doing more to improve our image with the public." Virus-transmitters, most of them rural children between the ages of 5 and 17, went on strike in Vietnam, China, Laos, South Korea, Indonesia, Thailand and Malaysia. "People will have to be satisfied with getting sick a little later in the winter," said Mortimer Goncalves, an analyst with the Global Sickness Initiative.
BANGLADESH OFFERS TO TAKE U.S. HURRICANE REFUGEES
DHAKA, Bangladesh (PCNN) -- The ruling Bangladesh Nationalist Party today offered to "temporarily house as many Americans as we possibly can" in the aftermath of Hurricane Rita. "Judging from the reports on cable news networks, the United States monsoon season appears to be one of the worst in years, far worse than anything Bangladesh has experienced," the BNP said in an official statement. "Frightened Americans from storm-damaged areas will be comfortable here. There is nothing to loot." Bangladesh is hit by frequent cyclones and floods. The BNP said it was hoping that an influx of Americans would "help raise consumption levels at our domestic convenience-store sector."
James McGregor: "Playing the barbarians off against each other has been a core tenet of Chinese foreign policy since the imperial dynasty days when China's maps depicted a huge landmass labeled the 'Middle Kingdom' surrounded by tiny islands labeled England, Germany, France, America, Russia and Africa." (WaPost)
Ben Stein: "The fact that our neighbors are worse off does not make us richer, and the fact that they are better off does not make us poorer." (NYT)
Robert Goulet: "I'm going to put out a voice-development course, on CD — ten bucks extra for video. ... 'Do you want to have a stronger, richer, more powerful voice?' Something like that. I'll do the commercials, at least in North America. We can sell it in Mexico and Central and South America, with a guy like Banderas. But I'm not sure if China would even be interested in it. I just don't know — I mean, with the way they speak." (New Yorker)
Someday, somebody needs to make a movie called "Condi in Sudan." It's no laughing matter when a bunch of state-sponsored goons rough up journalists and diplomats. If you need any indication about how screwed up the Sudan is, you got it right there. But there's something about the tale that is endlessly entertaining -- it's like a twisted version of "When We Were Kings" -- the brutal regime hates its guests, the No. 1 guest herself is appropriately grumpy, but the kids are still singin' anyway. "Welcome, welcome, oh Condoleezza," however, somehow doesn't seem as dramatic as "Ali, kill him."
That the phrase "battle wagons" is awesome? I don't suppose that any sports franchises will be claiming it as a moniker (it would be like calling your team "The Panzers"), but it definitely has a little bit of pleasing assonance, and if you say it with a Scottish or Cockney accent, it sounds even cooler.
Every time I hear the word "conclave," I think "conk glaive," as in:
"the hair-straightening technique used by African-Americans and mentioned prominently in The Autobiography of Malcolm X, as well as the use of the word to denote the hairdo achieved by using the technique"
"the ornate five-bladed, starfish-like weapon used by the hero in the fantasy film Krull"
And thus I think of militant hairpieces that can be removed and used like ninja throwing stars. If everyone in the conclave had a conkglaive, maybe we'd have a new pope a lot sooner.
Of course Pope John Paul II is one of the most beloved men in the world, and Catholics everywhere are showin' out for their main man. But I ask this question: Does the holiest of holy men really need a global outpouring of prayers at this point? I mean, God has to be like, "Yo, we have a suite all set up for you, son. When you get here, just call the front desk if you need anything."
In any case, let it be noted that for the pro-Syria demonstration today in Beirut, organizers shuttled men and women into separate sides of the square. They could've warmed up with an impromptu performance of the "Grease" soundtrack.
If you now feel as though you have been trapped for 30 seconds in a "Naked Gun" or Mel Brooks film, I apologize.
Still Plans to Perform Full DJ Set at After-Mass VIP Party
(Note: Original blog-post head changed from "Headline of the Day" to "He Was Born to MC" to make the joke, uh, funnier.)