Pop Cesspool

A FEARLESS PREDICTION ABOUT PENN STATE APPAREL

A potential side effect of The Scandal:

1. Sales of Penn State apparel might be down, but there are still millions of Penn State fans out there, and most of them own T-shirts, game shirts, hoodies, et cetera.

2. A significant number of Penn State fans will be inspired to ditch some of their apparel. Some will go in the trash, but much of it will be donated to charity.

3. When Americans donate clothes to charity, much of it makes its way to Africa.

4. If all of that is true, there will soon be a significant uptick in the number of PENN STATE and HAPPY VALLEY items being shipped to Africa.

5. Assuming that many of the recipients of these clothes might be unfamiliar with American institutions of higher learning — and the Sandusky scandal is probably not in the news in their countries — then the brand "Penn State" will have increased visibility (benignly) in the eyes of Africans.

6. If increased visibility = higher status, then it is highly possible that Penn State will see an increase in interest from African citizens in the coming years.

SEARCHING FOR 'GUITAR AMPS' ON GOOGLE IMAGES YIELDS VISUALLY SOOTHING RESULTS

Yeah, it's kinda nice:

A SECRETLY FUCKING AWESOME FANVID OF THEE OH SEES

Skip ahead to like 0:36, though, because the shaky-cam at the start is nauseating. After that, though, it's all molecules blazin' in the ether:

GRAPHIC: 'SCREAM' MASKS

 

You know it's true.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN. HERE'S A SOMEWHAT BATSHIT VIDEO OF THE LOCUST

THEY ARE MASKED MUSICIANS.

JOIN SOME SORT OF EXERCISE TEAM, END UP IN A @LILBTHEBASEDGOD VIDEO

 
Lil B, "Black and White," in which the black guy raps and the white people do pushups in the background.

LUMPY SPACE PRINCESS SNOWSTORM DESCENDS ON DENVER

SHE'S COMING

BEST HASHTAG EVER: #huskerdustrippers

CHARITY

CHASTITY

PRUDENCE

HOPE

#huskerdustrippers

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HacGbaIDRzA

THESE LIGHTNING BOLT VIDEOS ARE KINDA PERFECT

They have the unsettling grain of found footage and the lurid pull of fixed-viewpoint surveillance images. Like something out of an art project. And if a band is built to be poorly recorded and still sound like itself, it's Lightning Bolt. IF YOU ARE TRULY A BADASS, PLAY ALL THREE AT THE SAME TIME.

   

THAT 'GEARS OF WAR 3' TRAILER FUCKED ME ALL UP

It's late. I'm watching a college football game that I do not care about. This comes on. These dudes fight and fight and fight and fight. They are achievers. They are backed by Mazzy Star. I do not cry, but I feel hollow and alone. Afterward, I care even less about the college football game.

I LOVE MAOZ BUT I AM SO TIRED OF THESE EFFING HIPPIES

It's true.

THIS TORY BURCH VEST WOULD BE VASTLY IMPROVED WITH A PUBLIC ENEMY LOGO

Accordin' to The Feast, D.C. women apparently want this $1,200 Tory Burch "Hiltibrand" vest because "Her looks are classic and well-recognized, and they have a lot of longevity."

Whatever. It needs the Public Enemy logo on the back. That's what it needs:

 

HAS ANYBODY MADE A T-SHIRT WITH THE ITUNES 'EXPLICIT' ON IT?

Because this:

... especially all blowed-up like that ... is the new this:

... give or take a few levels of societal knee-jerk B.S.

 

FOR THE RECORD: BIZ MARKIE'S 'BENNIE & THE JETS'

We killed a fatted calf tonight, so stick around.

I've acquired my late pass on this:

Upon acquisition of aforementioned late pass, a rough accounting of Yer Poppa's favorite Internet-era cover-song performances of all time would go something like this:

1. Nina Gordon's "Straight Outta Compton"
2. Ted Leo's "Since U Been Gone/Maps"
3. Biz Markie's "Bennie & The Jets"
4. Guided By Voices' "Baba O'Riley"

There's a No. 5 out there, somewhere, but I'm too addled and old to remember what it might be.

THE UNKOWN COMIC(S) ... SURELY I'M NOT ALONE IN THINKING OF THIS?

The Unknown Comic was a guy with a bag on his head. As far as I can tell, only one man ever performed as the Unknown Comic. But, really, there could have been many, many men who did so. Like MF Doom: Dude wears a helmet, so you can never be sure if you're paying to see the real MF Doom, right? Ditto for the Globetrotters. And Bigfoot and Gravedigger, too. MANY MANY UNKNOWN COMICS MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN TAKING YOUR MONEY. If we bring the Tony Clifton model of identity-transferrance into the discussion, things get a little more complicated, from an ontological standpoint, of course.

Shit, the Unknown Comic was Canadian? THIS IS OFFICIALLY A MATTER OF NATIONAL SECURITY.

OLD-ASS ARCTIC MONKEYS SONG SEEMS INTUITIVELY APPROPRIATE RIGHT NOW

This is exactly the kind of song that Yer Poppa prefers to dredge up from some previous era's silt-pile with the full intention of suggesting that perhaps all y'all suckers might've been semi-ignorant to its charms, in light of the fact that your suckerishness might've caused you to categorize it before enjoying it (or caused you to forgo attempting to enjoy it at all). It is one of many in that non-category category. The song also is neither a deep cut nor an obscurity, and thus it is now immune to the baggage of tastemaking. And that's cool, yo, because he talks about dudes who like to fight with pool cues. That rules, bro. INTERNAL RHYME BLITZKRIEG, POPPA STYLE. Anyway:

HYPOTHETICAL CONVERSATION BETWEEN DWYANE WADE AND PEPPERIDGE FARM

"We're going to animate you, Dwyane, for our new Team Xtreme video!"

"That's cool. Just make sure I kinda look like Blair Underwood, aight?"

 

A BRIEF GUIDE TO TALKING ABOUT RUNNING OR YOGA ON FACEBOOK

If you run or do yoga, you obviously know about the endorphins.

Yes, they are basically the same thing as smoking crack.

Last time I checked, crack addiction was uncool.

So, if you're preparing to post a Facebook status update about running or yoga, ask yourself the following fundamental question:

IF I JUST SMOKED SOME CRACK, WOULD I BE BRAGGING ABOUT IT?

No, you probably wouldn't.

But if you did just smoke a giant crack rock, and you did decide to brag about it on Facebook, you are awesome. Ain't nothin' gonna keep you down!

ADDENDUM: People also could start posting whenever they get laid: "I just had sex for 3.7 minutes! So awesome!"

IS OFWGKTA DOING EDITORIAL ART FOR THE NEW YORK TIMES?

Because, really, this fucking wolf from the Feb. 20 Week in Review section looks like some straight up Wolf Gang handiwork:

Like this shit:

... or maybe this "Sam Weber" is designing for OFWGKTA?

TVOTR's 'HALFWAY HOME' vs. GHANA POSTAL WORKERS' SONG

The whiskeybattles hepped me to this:

And then a few days later I was listening to this, and it reminded me of that:

The connection is tenuous at best, I know, but you are NOT PAYING ANYTHING TO READ THIS BLOG.

OH, HEY, WE'RE 10 YEARS OLD

It happened this month. This blog is older than your kids.

SOMETIMES 'FROM BEYOND' IS THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES SENSE

Best movie ever about the pineal gland:

THE AWESOMEST SONG WITH 'EGYPT' IN THE TITLE

I can't believe this particular clip only had 2 views as of today:

Yay, Mekons!

LEXICOGRAPHY: 'ADVENCHORE'

If your vacation is based on some sort of volunteering that involves an activity which is otherwise generally optional for the local people, then you're probably on an advenchore. Going to Haiti to help after the earthquake would not meet the definition. That's not really an advenchore; you're providing a critical service in a time of profound need. Flying to Africa to help a relatively stable and prosperous village paint a community center? That's probably an advenchore.

MATCHUP: DRUG VS. PRODUCER

COPAXONE	'COXSONE' DODD
Also known as glatiramer; used to reduce episodes of symptoms in patients with relapsing-remitting multiple sclerosis.	Clement Seymour "Sir Coxsone" Dodd was a Jamaican record producer who was influential in the development of ska and reggae in the 1950s, 1960s and beyond.
May prevent the body's immune system from attacking the myelin coating that protects nerve fibers.	Known to increase Tetrahydrocannabinol consumption in humans, primarily via inhalation of marijuana smoke.

'DOPE MIXTAPE SITE' IS AN EFFECTIVELY NAMED WEB SITE

Dope Mixtape Site is a site that provides allegedly dope mixtapes. It doesn't matter whether they are actually dope, however, because at a minimum, you know exactly what the site aims to provide to you. And that is an accomplishment.

I think more sites should have "site" in their names instead of ".com" or whatever. So, like, NewYorkTimes.com could instead be New York Times Site. Or 1-800-Flowers.com could be Send People Flowers Site. That kind of thing. Google could be Search Site. That would be awesome.

I DO NOT WISH TO SEE ANY MORE HIGHLIGHTS OF BLAKE GRIFFIN DUNKING

There's nothing more brutally soulless than a Blake Griffin dunk: The man-child elevates. He extends a meat-hook. The ball blows through the hoop. I want to die. Seriously, think of all the brutally soulless shit in the world. Blake Griffin dunks are worse than whatever you're thinking of. And I don't even hate the Clippers. But when Blake Griffin dunks, God gets the urge take a dump.

NEXT TIME, GO THERE, DARREN ARONOFSKY, OK?

Yer Poppa has no beef with films that leave a few unitdy metaphors hangin' around, all loosey-goosey, at the end. I'm a grownup. I can handle ambiguity.

But -- if I can verge on spoilerishness -- I think the conclusion of The Black Swan needed one more bit of exposition: It should've featured the Mila Kunis character seriously eyeing up that bloody glass-shard wound, y'know? Just to complete the cycle.

She wouldn't have to, y'know, do anything to it.

SUGGESTED OLYMPIC SPORT: REFEREEING

1. NFL players would be hired and trained to re-enact crazy plays.

2. The re-enactors would be really good at re-enacting football plays.

3. The play would be performed fresh, with a high amount of precision, over and over again for each individual referee.

4. The other refs in the competition would be sequestered until it is their turn to watch the play.

5. The referee would watch the play and make the call (on most plays, there would be a penalty).

6. The referee must not only make the proper call, but he also must have a lot of style in announcing the penalty.

7. Like, Ed Hochuli might not always be the judges' cup of tea.

8. The judges would score the refs on technical penalty-calling ability as well as style. Two-thirds of the point total would be technical; one-third would be style.

THIS IS THE OTHER SONG YOU SHOULD PLAY AT MY FUNERAL

I'm gonna hop on top of your mom before I go:

HEY, 'THIS DOG IS AWSOME' GUY, I LIKE YOUR VIDEO

My inner sucker is all over this. It's like Beck emerged in 2010 instead of 1994, with fucked up hair, a Shiner Bock hangover, and a dog. Thanks to That Lady Suz for the pass-along:

NOTE: I did not purposefully put this video immediately after a video by a guy named "Joe Pug." But if you wanna claim that there's some sort of subconscious juxtapositionality, that's your choice. And you're a dick.

THANK YOU, JOE PUG

This song crushes me. And it takes a lot for Yer Poppa to say that, because I am frequently "stubborn as a butcher" and "thankless as a guest" when it comes to anything that is, y'know, totally sincere. Play this one at my funeral, because it's huge and true.

Joe Pug, "Hymn 101," a song I wish I'd known about a long time ago:

Joe Pug - Hymn 101 from Sam Molleur on Vimeo.

ADDENDUM: "The Legendary Takers" would be an awesome band name.

HOW TO LOOK IN A COORS LIGHT COMMERCIAL

Maybe I'm projecting here, but nobody in a Coors Light commercial -- the "funny" ones or the "cool" ones -- ever looks like they want to actually be in a Coors Light commercial. In both genres, and no matter how they actors are supposed to behave, you can still see a hint of confusion and ambivalence. I've seen that look many times before: at temp jobs, especially the really pointless clerical ones. Commitment is impossible, but it must be feigned. Examples:

1. These guys are trying to be upbeat and funny, but they know this stucks. Marv Levy is not in the same room with them. It's like working on a George Lucas movie:

2. And this dude, in the one with the Dick Butkus picture? That eye roll is the definition of half-hearted:

3. And in this shot from a classically tepid "Love Train" spot, the chick literally says, "why are we here?" She's the most authentic thing in the commerical:

I'd do more of these, but this process kinda sucks.

A PREDICTION ABOUT A REALLY OLD BASEBALL PLAYER

Y'know that episode of "Spongebob" where the dude yells "CHOCOLATE!" except it comes out more like "CHOCKLATT!" and then Spongebob and Patrick go to one house where it's a really old lady and her REALLY RILLY REALLY old mom, and the mom looks like this?

Jamie Moyer is going to pitch until he looks like her.

IF I EVER DO AN ALBUM OF TUVAN THROAT SINGING ...

... it will be called:

 

YURTQUAKE

 

WHOO!

OBV. JOKE: There's more beef in one of these than there is in one of White Castle's burgers!

You waited MONTHS for Yer Cesspool to return for stuff EXACTLY LIKE THIS, suckerchump.

CUT YOUR TURKEY WITH THIS, BISHES!

"When held in two hands, it rivals many Japanese swords on the market"

" *Meats utilized in this video was carefully preserved and donated to the Ventura County Rescue Mission. "

HOUSEKEEPING

If I used to link to yr shit, it's no longer on the front page. It's here, in purely archival form. Blame it on social media.

KRAUTROCK: IT'S WHAT PULLS YOU OUT OF RETIREMENT

NOTE: In no way am I dissing* Guru Guru when I point out that this is very Spinal Tap Mark II:

And here is Spinal Tap Mark II. Do you really think I'd make you go chase after it?

OK, then, gentle reader, I'll talk to you again in a few months.

* I find all krautrock people to be kinda scary. Not that they'd hurt me. But they're just kinda teutonic & shit.

SEMI-RETIRED

Gentle reader,

You may not realize that your Cesspool is nearly 10 years old. Between now and the anniversary date (Feb. 7, 2011), we'll be presenting you, sporadically, some of our greatest hits and weirdest shit. This site will never die; it's possible that we might reduce it to nothing but posts about the Secret History or completely misunderstood rap lyrics. But it's also highly possible that after February, the whole thing will officially become a total artifact. Anyway, check back soon, because we'll be touring through the Cesspool Era.

Sincerely,
Poppa

EXCUSE MY DORMANCY; HERE'S A TELLY SAVALAS VIDEO

Players Club International, natch:

MEN'S SWIM TRUNKS: HICK OR HIPPIE?

We're leaving the preps out of this, because I can't even stand to look at madras. And if you think this post is some kinda B-game/summer-filler material, I ask you to do the following: Google "swim trunks" and tell me if your eyes are immediately poked out by dicks in banana-hammocks. That's right, they are. I LIVE ON THE EDGE, FOR YOU.

OK, put your eyes back in their cock-bruised sockets. Bombs away:

HIPPIE

HICK

HICK

HICK

HIPPIE

ED HARDY

 

PREVIOUSLY: WHAT IF THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK BECAME A HUMAN CENTIPEDE? | PLAY OUR INSOUND T-SHIRT SALE GAME: STOOPID OR UGLY? | ALICE IN WONDERLAND POSTERS: CREEPY OR BANAL?

YEAH, I WENT OUT OF MY WAY TO WATCH 'U TURN'

I'd been avoiding it since Oliver Stone shat it upon us more than a decade ago. Dunno why. Anyway, can't say I enjoyed it. Can't say I savored it as an artifact, either. But Billy Bob Thornton's performance amounted to something-or-other, perhaps because he kinda represents the audience. Surely Stone didn't do that on purpose.

Or, at a minimum, I kept imagining that it was David Cross playing Billy Bob Thornton playing Darrell. I would pay to see that. Not sure who gets to play Sean Penn playing Bobby Cooper, though. Dane Cook?

WHAT THE FUCK IS UP, MATADOR?

The assumption of this "Matador 21" show in Vegas is that two decades after they started taking my money, I have grown into the kind of adult who can just drop everything and spend hundreds of dollars on a trip to Vegas for an awesome concert. FUCK THAT, MATADOR. YOU CAN'T SPEND 21 YEARS HELPING MOTHERFUCKERS BE SLACKERS, AND THEN TURN AROUND AND BE ALL LIKE, "HEY MAN, PAY BIG BUCKS TO SEE YOUR SLACKER HEROES." Seriously, Matador dudes, seriously. This shit is rife with contradictions -- and don't you dare say that it's a test of my loyalty, because I've got some motherfucking bills you can pay:

SPERRY TOPSIDERS = DEATH

This kind of shoe is perpetually banal, no matter how you try to remix it. I repels irony, it dampens good humor, and it has a limitless supply of frump. It should not be fetishized or celebrated or appropriated. Your aesthetic cannot penetrate it; your art is dulled by it. The boat shoe is merely a foil; it exists to remind you that not everybody can afford a big boat.

(Kiddies, this is what happens "boat shoes" lands on a list of acceptably trendular footwear: Yer Poppa gets his tubesocks in a twist.)

GRAPHIC: MY CONSUMPTION OF JIMMY DEAN SAUSAGE BISCUITS PER DECADE, 1970-2010

RIP. Tribute:

PREVIOUSLY: CHRISTMAS IS THE TIME TO LOOK AT THIS AWESOME CHART

ANALYSIS: STEPHEN PEARCY'S HERNIA

• I have no idea what caused Stephen Pearcy's hernia. But I find it interesting. And not because the Ratt frontman is officially middle-aged. Everybody had a field day with that. Ha ha ha ha, yeah, whatever, old rocker gets a hernia.

• But let's be more thoughtful about this. Take a closer look. These are Stephen Pearcy's hips in a recent picture:

• Ignore the cock-bulge for a second and note that those are some skinny-ass hips. He's always been a skinny-ass motherfucker. Here's what he looked like during the Ratt heyday: Frontman-fit, but not exactly poppin' with muscle, either:

• Now, I am no expert on hernias, sports medicine, orthopedics, kinesiology, physiology or old people. But I do know this: With hips like that, Pearcy probably didn't have much of a base for anything involving physical strain. Just takin' a shit or closing the trunk of his car was probably a roller-coaster ride.

A ONE-LINER ABOUT FAT JOE

Fat Joe is calling his new album The Dark Side, but the dark side is really anything on the other side of Fat Joe.

WHILE FISHIN' FOR SOME FRESH WORLD CUP CONTENT ...

... I beheld this dude:

His raps, I say, must be permitted to speak for themselves.

But I'm thinkin' I like him better as a crooner. Raw, yo:

NOTE: It's up to you, Cesspool Nation Kids, to find the other gems. Or maybe they're all gems. Get the full load -- like 2,800 uploads! -- at his YouTube joint. Chief topics: soccer, Lakers, Twilight, Twitter, Karate Kid, love.

THE BLACKHAWKS, 'CHELSEA DAGGER' AND THE SUNDAY I'LL NEVER GET BACK

Other than the Olympics, I've slacked on the hockey this year, even with a birthland team (Flyers) advancing far into the playoffs. But I made it a point to watch last night's NHL finals game from the opening faceoff. So dumb, even though the final score was far different than what it was (3-0? 4-1?) when I gave up and switched over to Kobe vs. The Whole Entire World.

Here's the bitch of it all: After last night, I'm 100 percent tired of this fucking Fratellis song, a.k.a. The Beer-Drool-Inducing Blackhawks Goal Song; I already was at about 98 percent before last night, simply because of that Amstel Light commercial, which I shall not reproduce here.

Seriously, even if you're a Blackhawks lover, you have to admit that this shit is colossally annoying. Like, "Justin Bieber" or "Miley Cyrus" or "Gary Glitter" annoying: