IT'S ALSO VAGUELY 'GOATSE'

Y'know when you're telling a joke about somebody being born, and you cup your hands tightly over your face, and you push your face through your hands, and it kinda looks like somebody coming out of a vagina?

Comments

[Cha Chamin]

U R just jealous, and a hater. You know that lady rocks the house with the greatest of ease -- all the young earth people, and baybeez -- and you just won't want her to. You won't let her. Not publicly anyway. I know you listen to her when you are alone, tho. Look at that little light up in the corner. It's a camera. I know what you do.

[Cram Stackie]

I would KILL for those bangs.

[Cram Stackie]

KILL!

[Lavoris Spoon]

You might think this is a harmless promotion, but in fact it is a terror cell message. "Susan Boyle" is an anagram for "Slay Bus One". That's a CITY BUS!!!!! You people think it's so harmless because of the sequins and bangs, but this is why that tube of toothpaste was confiscated at airport security. We are in a WORLD OF SHIT people. Wake up.

[Percival Shimlette]

Will it be the S2 or the S4 going south on 16th? Can you let me know? Because I don't really have time for that today. I have stuff to do, including a lunch date. And he's really cute. He looks like that vampire guy. He still lives at home, but I don't care. His mom's a drunk, so ingress and egress won't be a problem. These are the things I have thought of already.

[Lavoris Spoon]

Percy (may I call you that???!!!!!!), do you mean Twilight vampire guy? I like your thinking. And if the mom is passed out, you can surely meet on the sly. You really think ahead, and this just blows my mind.

[Lavoris Spoon]

I just have to add an extra note of praise about the egrets. I know that the SNOWY egrets are endangered, and I hope you mean that you're watching out for them. I will have to look up ingrets in my Websters. But I'm guessing you know about these things.

[Percival Shimlette]

Oh, I don't know -- I get all the vampire guys mixed up. They all have white skin, full lips, chins tucked in just slightly, and of course that I'm-going-to-get-you look in their eye. That's all a girl really needs. And not only will we be able to 'meet on the sly,' as you say, but we'll be able to "meet" right there on the living room floor as his mom snores on the pleather couch, lit cigarette in hand, overturned gimlet glass on the coffee table, and hay-like hair covering her face and neck. I love that woman. I know her from work. Hey but -- why are you so impressed with me? I thought you were scared of Susan Boyle and buses.

[Lavoris Spoon]

Were you always a girl? I thought that's why Susan Boyle united "us". I guess I'm very much mistaken. I, for one, will NOT be using the public transit system in the foreseeable future. There's just so much propaganda here that it boggles the mind. And when you throw our esteemed president into the mix, well that's a recipe for DISASTER. I don't care how pale and luscious your consort is, that won't save your skin when you climb aboard that Number One Bus to visit him. Yeah, "Susan Boyle" = one hell of a complex human emergency, and all gimlets in the world won't stop that.

I guess I'm just sad about things.

[Percival Shimlette]

Egrets? They are scum next to nyctea scandiaca, otherwise known as the Ermine Owl or the Snowy Owl. Their plumage? SPECTACULAR.

[Lavoris Spoon]

Sadly, if my calculations are correct, the Snowy Owl will soon be a thing of the past too. Susan Boyle is only the tip of the iceberg as they say (ha ha!). The so-called "global warming" will lead to all of us living in one of those bio-sphere pods like in Logan's Run, and do you think there will be room for the Snowy Owl in there? You are sadly mistaken.

[Percival Shimlette]

Are you suggesting that Susan Boyle is man, woman AND bus? Is that what you're saying? Is it? Because if you are, I think we have a major breakthough here. I think kindness and understanding can start now. NOW. Like, this minute, thanks to your discoveries and insights. I think any bus terrorists in the area, if they could read this, would lay down their shoulder-launched rockets and get a twinkle in their eye. I do. Can we see about getting some pamphlets made?

[Percival Shimlette]

How did you know that the S2 and the S4 go straight to the White House? How? Do you have cameras?

[Lavoris Spoon]

I could never put it as succinctly as you just did, but I do think that her/his/its presence is MOMENTOUS. I would LOVE (!!!!) to get into desktop publishing and make pamphlets. Can you imagine how satisfying that would be? For a long time now, I have been thinking, "what if I went to vocational school...??!" That would be just too cool.

[Percival Shimlette]

Please. Do you not think that every man, woman, child and Portugese Water Dog won't be bringing their Ermine Owl into the National Mall Logans Run Igloo WITH them? I don't know what kind of life you've been living, buddy, but you are really out of touch. Hooo-wee.

[Lavoris Spoon]

Percival, you don't know me, so I will have to forgive your cavalier response. I have been to the inner circle of HELL and back. I have also seen Logan's Run NO LESS than 25 times (deluxe edition with BONUS FEATURES on DVD), and I know for a fact that there would not be enough room for the animal kingdom in there. Dealing with animal waste alone would cause MANY people to crumble on the spot. I can't emphasize this enough. It will be bad enough that our diet will consist of RECONSTITUTED PEOPLE. That's right. So forget you ever laid eyes on the snowy owl. Do it for your own sake.

[Percival Shimlette]

You seem to have forgotten one thing: Owls = oil.

[Lavoris Spoon]

Gosh, the S2 and S4 go to the White House? That will seem suspicious to those riding on a senior pass. But I guess they will be too concerned about the administration killing them off or maybe, even, think it will be an opportunity to speak to white house staff personally about their gripe. In Logan's Run, people were executed on their 30th birthday, so this won't be a problem in the future.

[Lavoris Spoon]

Is it because of the plumage secretion glands? I have a Sierra Club calendar and this is not mentioned ANYWHERE.

[Percival Shimlette]

The S2 and the S4 are known are around here as the Rolling Kill Boxes (RKBs) and the only terrorist involved is Obama. "Speak to the White House staff"? Are you kidding? There are no people in there. Only killing machines. Only computers and weaponry.

[Percival Shimlette]

The glands are being kept secret until The Rapture, when we're really going to need them.

[Lavoris Spoon]

They look so life-like on television. It's no wonder. In 5th grade I went to Disney and The Hall of Presidents, but Obama wasn't there yet (Obviously!). This is SO typical.

[Lavoris Spoon]

If it's a secret, then how do YOU know? Should I be expecting a knock on my door, or people in riot gear repelling down through my ceiling and body-bagging me all because of your "sting" operation?

[Percival Shimlette]

You have Pixar to thank. And Mike Myers.

[Percival Shimlette]

Are you calling The Rapture "a sting operation"? I just know, ok? Trust me on this. Can't you trust? Or did you lose that ability when your uncle came to babysit you for that long weekend when you were 9?

[Lavoris Spoon]

I don't know what John Carpenter's Halloween has to do with the price of tea in China, but this doesn't add up. Look, Percival, you may be the namesake of a famous Knight or whatever, but you have a LOT to learn about the real world. Pixar is not a federally run company, much as you and the likes of Ralph Nader would like to think it is. Why else would we have to buy a ticket for their stuff. It just doesn't make sense to me.

I would like to add that I have just checked my mailbox, and may have one $100,000. I will take that to a country where I can live with socialized health care, and not worry about "Susan Boyle" because they all drive Smart cars in Europe anyhow.

[JW]

I take issue with the word "igloo." The budgetary outlay for the required cooling units would be politically untenable. Perhaps another structure? Sweatlodge, maybe? (The heat could be created by burning books.)

[Percival Shimlette]

Or were you 10?

[Percival Shimlette]

He who does not appropriate funds for the proper units needed to save the entire human race -- be they called "igloos" or "hard tents" -- will surely, in the end, be sorry. Plenty sorry.

[Lavoris Spoon]

JW: the neolithic denizens of Ireland lived in "Beehives" houses. That doesn't mean they had a queen bee and pollenated honey combs. It refers to the structure itself. You're going to have to stop this stonewalling semantics game if we're ever going to see progress. As for the sweat lodge, while it's a good idea to burn books for fuel, I can't help thinking of recent news stories. And the snowy owl just wouldn't thrive there. And what of its flamable oil-giving properties? I like that you're thinking outside the box, but you are becoming a problem for progress.

Percival: I was 40.

[Lavoris Spoon]

Sorry Percival. I was 40 the FIRST time.

[Percival Shimlette]

You were 40? Oh well then that's hot.

[Lavoris Spoon]

Percival, we'll really have to see about getting a survival lottery going, because I for one don't like crowds. Just one of each and the rest will have to take their chances outside the igloo.

[Percival Shimlette]

And you TOLD that JW guy. I bet he's crying in his cups now. That'll teach him to impede progress! I bet he drives either the S2 or the S4. Yeah.

[Lavoris Spoon]

I never meant to make him cry. Tough love is necessary sometimes, ok JW? Please, please don't take it so personally. Your anger and tantrums are boring to the rest of the world, so try to manage, ok?

[Percival Shimlette]

Lavoris, you're just going to have to suck it up if you want your grandkids and their pets to have enough of a breeding pool to survive and thrive in far-flung milennia. Can I fix up a Xanax-Paxil-Zoloft coctail for you? If you stay near me at all times, I can keep you hooked up. I have buckets of the stuff. I will hide it from everyone else and mete it out just to you. But first you have to tell me about your uncle.

[Lavoris Spoon]

Mr. Spoon is coming home soon and I have to go. But I hope we have made some progress today. I really do.

[Lavoris Spoon]

Uncle Rhemus? He was a 4' 11" bundle of sexual energy. After dinner one night he complimented my cooking, and I knew right then that he was a pedophile. I kept my distance for a while, but in the end I crawled into bed with him. That was last year, and the memory still haunts me.

I would really prefer valium, but I would like to thank you for your offer of an anti-anxiety and SSRI (or whatever, what do I know) cocktail. Really Mister Spoon will make me sleep in the attic again if I don't plow the fields, so I have to go now...

[Percival Shimlette]

Does Mr. Spoon drive a bus, by any chance?

[Lavoris Spoon]

Mr. Spoon does not have a class E driver's license. They're so strict, the MTA, and let him go when they found out. It was a stupid commute anyhow. Now he just stays at the bus terminal all day helping runaway girls. I guess that's why I allowed Uncle Rhemus to molest me. He'd had a stroke by then and was bedridden, but even someone in their 80s can lure children. That's why I'm an activist now.

[Percival Shimlette]

All I can do is lay down at your feet and utter: WOW.

[Lavoris Spoon]

I know. It's too much to take in. When Mr. Spoon took up the triathlon stuff and had to do all of that training overseas (hell? The Iron Man thing is in AMERICA!) I just had to chalk it up to mid-life crisis. When he started grumbling about the bus, and then threw my lovingly prepared pork pie across the room, I thought: mid-life crisis. But the more I start thinking about all of the preparations we have to make for humanity, and also the wildlife accommodation problems, and then the Susan Boyle anagram problem...you know, now that I think about it, Mr. Spoon is the one who suggested that I take a REALLY close look at that name.

[Percival Shimlette]

When you really look closely at "Mr. Spoon" what can be deciphered is "Romps No." Perhaps this is why you turned to your uncle for solace. What can also be teased out is: "Norm Ops," and yet I would suggest that his operations are anything but normal. Especially with regard to the young-lady runaways.

I'm telling you, Lavoris, I have Xanax. It's just about the same as Valium. Except the morning head throb is a shade more intense.

[Eddie Munster]

This has been really edifying. I found this string by Googling Susan Boyle, because I really want to get her in the sack. As a "Runner" for the past 20 years, it's good to know about fuel and food sources in the Igloo/Honeycomb/Sweat Lodge. I can't believe my luck about the whole vampire-chic thing. I owe a tremendous debt of gratitude to Stephanie Meyer. I've barely been able to get a date for the past 40 years (my name is an anagram for Endured Spite), but now I can't beat 'em off with a stick. That's why I think Susan might give me a shot.
Lavoris, I agree with Percy. Take the Xanax. You can't go wrong with a palindromic medication.

[Lavoris Spoon]

Eddie (or should I call you Mr. SPITE!): wake up and smell the coffee man. "Susan Boyle" is a SYMBOL, a symbol for EVIL--not some object d'art you can bed for your prurient pleasure. Your translucent skin might help you where the ladies are concerned, but does it make you impervious to C4 explosive fallout? I'm guessing not. But I'm really happy you're back in the dating game. Some people just start late (I KNOW!).

Why are people always trying to put me on medication??????

[Percival Shimlette]

Eddie, since you find yourself smack dab in the middle of blood-sucker hysteria and able to take ample advantage of it, can you please share with us what sociological shifts you think might be responsible? Why do all women seem to suddenly want to mate with pretty bats? Is it the economy?

I have no problems splitting infinitives. Just so you know.

And Lavoris, consider it a gift that we want to get you on drugs. For most people, it's the other way around: they want drugs, but their friends keep hiding them.

[Eddie Munster]

Percival, you raise an interesting sociological and psychological question. At first blush, my answer is that I don't give a shit, as long as I'm gettin' busy. As I consider it further, it occurs to me that the whole vampire thing is appealing to women as a metaphor for the primitive desire to merge with another person, perhaps also parallel in some ways to the sacrifices of motherhood, whereby one renders ones own life force into another, leaving the donor both lifeless and immortal. If Susan Boyle manages to take me out with C4, you might say that she out-vampired the vampire, thus winning a supernatural game of rock-paper-scissors. But unless the explosive debris contains any garlic or silver bullets, I think I'll come out on top.

Lavoris, Your Uncle Rhemus sounds a lot like my Uncle Fester. Wait. No, that wasn't me.

[Lavoris Spoon]

What a load a pansy water, Eddie. The metaphor is clearly Freudian. Hello? Impalement??? On one side you have the hapless "victim" succumbing to the fangs of her vampiric consort. If that doesn't have to do with penetration, I don't know what does. On the flip side of things is the whole penis envy thing. The only real way to kill a vampire is by impaling him. That's reverse penetration, right there. You can bank on it.

I don't know what that means if the vampire is a female.

[Percival Shimlette]

Reverse penetration, to me, would seem to mean throwing a stick up into the air. But I don't know much.

[Lavoris Spoon]

I'm sorry Eddie. I really am. It's just that I get so upset. I think with this Susan Boyle stuff, and then the habitat igloos and their utterly FLAWED design (GOD that irks me!), I'm just a bitch in the wings. A bitch in the wings. I want you to know that I'm rooting for you. I will watch closely to see who emerges from the smoking debris. My money is on you.

[Lavoris Spoon]

What you don't know about COITUS can fill volumes, Percival. But now I can't get the image you described out of my head, and I question my expertise. What IS the opposite of penetration?

[Percival Shimlette]

Lavoris, can't you just see him rising up from the dry ice effects, coming up over a ridge all ripped and muscular, mysteriously altered at a cellular level, and all the better for it?

[Lavoris Spoon]

Yeah, I can see that Percy. It makes me feel funny.

[Percival Shimlette]

The opposite of penetration is middle school, Lavoris. Please be nice to me.

[Lavoris Spoon]

I'm sorry Percy. I'm not myself. Mr. Spoon just put a fresh badger on the spit. Would you like to come over?

[Percival Shimlette]

Thanks, but I don't eat scavanger meats. However, I do recognize this as a gesture of good will, and I see that you are trying, and I know that's hard for you, what with your out-of-control emotions and pervasive and far-reaching sense of persecution. Still I say to you: F.U.