Pop Cesspool

RON ARTEST'S MICHAEL JACKSON TRIBUTE

If you haven't copped it, do so. Amazing/awful, brutal/beautiful. It will change you.

"Michael Michael" mp3 via Sendspace

More info: The Daily Swarm | Crunktastical

Stream that shiz here:

SOMETIMES YOU FIND THINGS

And they are what they are.

PLEASE TELL SAIGON THAT THE TITLE 'WARNING SHOTS 2' IS PROBLEMATIC

I guess I gotta spell it out for people: If you fire warning shots, the next shots should be the kill shots.

That is, if you fire a second batch of warning shots, you're kinda soft.

NOTE TO SAIGON: I humbly implore you not to fire shots of any kind at me.

ANOTHER MAN'S VAULT

Dude has some classic '90s Hi8 shit. I don't mind watching a young Ian Svenonius jump around, in his Cupid Car Club formation, no less:

Part 1:


Part 2 (apparently he has a part 3 but hasn't posted it):


Bratmobile, too, natch:

SOMEWHERE THERE'S A QUADRATIC EQUATION TO DESCRIBE THE LIMIT WE'VE REACHED

I was going to argue that the presence of the "LOL" song on "Kidz Bop 16" is a sign that "real" pop music has finally surged toward the magical/spacial point where it is indistinguishable from Kidz Bop. But with a little research, I found that "LOL" is very probably an original Kidz Bop song. Zounds! The secrets of the universe are somewhere in the tiny vaccuum surrounded by all of those gnarly quasi-truths. Go forth, young brains, and calculate our destiny. And while you're at it, tell me if this is the first time Kidz Bop has commissioned an original work. Oh, wait, I don't care.

DATA SETS: 1 | 2

DISSONANCE

I've never been truly alarmed by the Hollywood-tot-one-minute/total-hottie-the-next-minute thing. It's as old as the hills, and in most cases, it's inevitable. The wee Anna Paquin and the wee Natalie Portman, for instance, just kept working, so when they growed up, yo, my brain was just like, "go find a nice boy, ladies." (What's-her-name from the "Harry Potter" flicks fits the mold, too.) But the re-appearance of Anna Chlumsky is kinda disturbing. It's all like, "ugh, they totally picked you for 'My Girl' because they knew you'd become a hottie, and then you went away, and now you are a hottie, and I have to reconcile these totally disparate images of you."

Collateral damage: I forgot what the adult version of Macaulay Culkin looked like. Whoah, is he on here anywhere?

Side note: Sounds like Chlumsky picked a good, all-growed-up flick.

THIS IS ANDRE IGUODALA OF THE SEVENTY-SIXERS BASKETBALL CLUB

I don't think that's a Humpty-Hump nose. It just looks that way in the picture. HE'S CHIEF BLOCKA. Whatevz. (NOTE: "Chief Rocka" was totally LOTUG -- not D.U. So if the nose is rubber, maybe this is an intentional conflation of Undergrounds.)

A SIMPLE FANTASY

ANALYSIS: THAT LINKIN PARK VIDEO

1. Ooh, WE ARE ALL MADE OF WAVES.

2. Exploding, rolling robot.

3. Shit, is that him? He's in this? Fuckin' shit.

4. HEY, TODDLERS! STAY TUNED!

5. Is that some footage from a Midnight Oil video?

6. Fuck, shit, that's him. Fuck that guy.

7. Exploding, rolling boobs.

8. I stopped watching after this.

Actual video: Linkin Park, "New Divide," from Transformers 2.

I KNOW SOME SMELLY HIPPIES WHO CAN DO THIS

But only if the ball is really small and really soft.

And the weed is really up.

The little goalpost skull-crack at the end is a nice touch. Hippies wouldn't bother with a vanquishing flourish like that.

WORDS 'CHRISTINA AGUILERA' AND 'YUM' LINKED IN A COMPLETELY INNOCENT WAY

Where does one start with this? I'm fryin' my circuits with one-liners about Long John Silver's alone. More of the press release after the jump.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Christina Aguilera Lends Powerful Voice
in Fight to End Hunger as
Global Spokesperson for
World Hunger Relief Effort this Fall

Aguilera Raises Awareness of Hunger Issue by Appearing in PSA, Advertising, Posters and Online Campaign, FromHungerToHope.com
 
Louisville, KY, July 15, 2009 – Yum! Brands announced today that five-time Grammy Award winner Christina Aguilera is giving hunger a powerful voice by becoming the global spokesperson for World Hunger Relief. 

IF THIS NOODLER CAN'T GET LAID, NO NOODLER CAN

Bass solo:

ONE CANNOT BE TOO CAREFUL

If I had found that any of these young ladies indeed had searched for me, I would consume antibiotics immediately, out of concern that I would be subject to novel and potent species of contagion. If you should label me irrational for such fears, I would suggest that the biology of the common skank is inclined toward mysterious and powerful mutations at the level of microflora. When mingled with powerful (and perhaps untamed) communications technology, a skank's potent parasites cannot be presumed to remain purely in the organic realm. Just inserting this photograph into this blog entry has left me with a keen desire for hand sanitizer.

THE MANAGEMENT OF THE NATIONALS IS FINALLY IN A TAKE-NO-SHIT KIND OF MOOD

I've been inclined to treat all communications from the Nationals ownership like any other piece of Washington spin. But dang, those motherfuckers are pissed off now. I don't see anything in this piece but truth-tellin'. It's certainly more direct than whatever Sanford or Ensign spewed -- if you wanna go so far as to compare it to contemporary clean-comings. And it retains a little dignity, too. The rest of this lava-hott factual-ness can be found after the jump:

Letter from the Nationals

To Fans of the Washington Nationals,

No one is more dissatisfied in the first half of the 2009 Washington Nationals season than we are. Like you, we had hoped that some of our younger players would have matured faster and that the addition of some of our new veterans would have significantly improved our record from a season ago. Our hope was that solid club leadership would emerge on and off the field and that some intangible combinations would begin to click resulting in many winning streaks.

FORGOT ABOUT THE THEMATIC INFLUENCE OF NARCOTICS

I have no particular knowledge about what inspired "Nearly Lost You" by the Screaming Trees, but for nearly two decades, I've always assumed it was a love thing, y'know, he nearly lost her but he didn't.

Today it struck me, though, that it's probably more of a dude thing, like, holy shit, dude, when your eyes rolled back in your head for a minute, I thought I nearly lost you.

In that scenario, the dude lived, obviously.

WE'LL ALLOW YOU TO MAKE THE OBVIOUS SCROTAL JOKE

I'm way above that. The actual ball-oriented story.

A SUPER-AWESOME VIDEO FOR YOU

Shot by yours truly:

COMPARE/CONTRAST: NBC'S MERLINS

SHITTY MERLIN

AWESOME MERLIN

FANTASY

In each one of these videos, I kept hoping that the victim would immediately return fire with a large semi-automatic handgun:

DRAKE IS TOTALLY CHALLENGING MY PERCEPTION OF HIM

The rapper Drake is about as concrete as they get: He has shit and he wants shit, including money, nice things, and your pussy. He describes what he wants and what he'll do with it. Sometimes he talks about his superiority. Other times he talks about obstacles to acquiring the things he wants. But generally his rhymes dwell on shit that is possible to acquire in the physical realm.

Except, y'know, this line from "Best I Ever Had":

And you ain't even have to ask twice/You can have my heart or we can share it like the last slice/Always felt like you was so accustomed to the fast life/Have a nigga thinkin' that he met you in a past life

"A past life," as in "reincarnation?" Damn, that's some metaphysical graffiti right there. My initial reaction was, "he thinks like this when he gets high," but I realized that it's possible he just wrote that shit off the cuff, without concern for the dissonance it creates. So I'm gonna save his bacon right now. Here's how Drake should play it, if anybody asks about his spirituality: "Yo, I talk about that past life shit not because I'm into Hindu or whatever, but because I want money and your pussy in that past life, too."