Pop Cesspool

NOTES ON THE '3 WOLF MOON' T-SHIRT

I'm worried that there will be a wolf/moon shirt arms race.

Pretty soon, 4-wolf moon shirt.

then 5-wolf moon shirt.

it's like razors: pretty soon 3 wolves and 1 moon will seem technologically obsolete.

Maybe the way to avoid a totally destructive and impractical "3 Wolf Moon" arms race is to escalate via fractions of wolves.

So, y'know, you could start with a "3.00001 Wolf Moon" shirt.

Then I'd come out with a "3.00002 Wolf Moon" shirt.

And if people escalated all the way to a "3.99999 Wolf Moon" shirt, I'd start adding decimals to the Moon part.

"3.00001 Wolf 1.00001 Moon" shirt. Yeah, that's where we should start. FOR OUR OWN GOOD.

Trouble is, how do you represent 0.00001 of a wolf?

I mean, yeah, it's easy to represent 0.00001 of a moon.

But the wolf? That part is hard. We'll have to talk to some ethicists.

BACKGROUND: Shirt | Meme

HA HA HA FUNNY LEBRON PICTURE

For reasons beyond my control -- and for reasons completely within my control -- I haven't watched a single NBA playoff game this year. But because they've captured the public's imagination -- particularly the Eastern Conference bitch-fights -- I feel as though I'm constantly awash in ambient information about how everybody is doin'. Or maybe my serotonin levels are dangerously low. F the Celtics. Anyway, if the NBA could guarantee that Lebron and Wally played the entirety of every game while making these angry-clowny faces, I would start watching.*

* To be sure, Lebron's expressions are often of the "vaguely clowny" variety -- a fact that he himself probably would freely admit -- but when he's "angry clowny," I truly glimpse the beast within. And even that beast is kinda funny. Wally? HE IS THE COMEDY CYBORG.

A VIDEO WITH ONLY ONE FUNNY MOMENT

It's when Andy steals the candy. HA HA HA I made a rhyme. Stealing is wrong, Andy:

Major Lazer "Zumbie" feat. Andy Milonakis

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO INTERPRET THIS HEIDI KLUM E-MAIL

QUOTE: "I took an American Red Cross CPR class so that I’d be prepared to respond to cardiac emergencies. On the runway and off, at work or hanging out with my kids, I want to be ready to help if something happened." -- from Heid Klum, via the American Red Cross, about June being National CPR/AED Awareness Week.

TRANSLATION: "Those underfed, brittle-boned, meth'ed-up, dehydrated, chain-smokin' runway bitches keel over at the most inopportune times."

SUGGESTED BRONX/SOTOMAYOR ANTHEM

The one and only:

ADDENDUM: Frankie is all Jesus now.

U R No. 1 OLD GUY ED ASNER!

"I don't suffer fools as easily ... It's very freeing at this age to let people know you're not going to suffer them. But at the same time, when you complain, you're easily ignored." -- Ed Asner, to Angela Dawson of Entertainment News Wire

TODAY'S QUASI-PALINDROMIC QUESTION

What would you discover if you did due diligence on a dude who does Dylan covers?

HILARIOUS GZA INTERVIEW

'Nuff said:



Cheers to T.R.O.Y.

BRUTALLY SHORT REVIEW

This Napalm Death album is fuckin' awesome. Word to your mother.

SEAN PRICE SIGNS RAP CONTRACT, USES PHRASE 'DEVIATED SEPTUM'

He's about as excited as I am when I pay the electric bill. But I can't write crime metaphors this well:



If Cousin Matt didn't closely monitor the Duck Down feed on YouTube, I never would have seen it.

Here's an actual song, in case that vid gives you the impression that he's, uh, not a rapper:



OTHER DUDES IN RANDOM AXE: Black Milk | Guilty Simpson

THIS ZACK GREINKE T-SHIRT HAS A RHETORICAL FLAW

The implication is that he spent time as a queen. I mean, haven't we all, sister! All in, whoo!

Royals blog: Greinke T-shirt revealed
Roto Arcade: Zack Greinke and the trading block

THE MOST USELESS TECH ARTICLE EVER

You don't even have to read it. ANSWERS ARE BELOW!

THE CATEGORIES, ACCORDING TO POP CESSPOOL, AND NOT THOSE FANCY-PANTS EXPERTS:

1. people who e-mail.

2. people who don't.

LOOKIN' OUT

Darrow Montgomery has been quietly digitizing and posting shots from his vast archive of film-and-paper photographs. If you wanted to set a movie deep within the D.C. neighborhoods during the 1990s, you'd be wise to send the production designer directly to his ongoing "Postcards From Home" series on the City Desk blog. Samples:

NOTES ABOUT THAT J.J. ABRAMS MOVIE

1. In the end, it's Abrams' statement about how popcorny franchise movies should be made, not about what "Star Trek" should be. If you'd given him "Buck Rogers" or "The Black Hole" or "Moonraker" or "Flash Gordon," it would've come out the same way. And I would've paid to see it.

2. I'm totally down with this dude:

3. Is Glondor a Romulan? Or is Eric Bana actually Glondor?

4. ENUFF WITH THE TIME-TRAVEL PLOTS, J.J. ... DO ANOTHER ONE, AND I WILL PUT A BURNING BAG OF DOO-DOO ON YOUR DOORSTEP.

YOU CAN'T FRONT ON THIS PICTURE, SO DON'T EVEN TRY

Nationals Park, Washington, D.C., May 15, 2009:

MIGHTY CROWN: IF THEY DIDN'T EXIST, SOMEBODY WOULD'VE INVENTED THEM

The fact that I didn't hear about them until today means only one thing: The market for Japanese soundsystems is a niche, indeed. From some sort of big-budget soundclash: "Poison Fart: you stink up, bloodclot." Nippon dem:

POP CESSPOOL'S EXCITING SUMMER MOVIE PREVIEW

Building on previous efforts:

CLICK TO MAKE IT HUGE.

THROWBACK, WITH HANDLEBARS

The fruit of a discussion with Cousin Matt about Doom, Dr. York, Nuwaubians and Five Percenters: He dug out the video for "Peach Fuzz," KMD, 1991, supernice with the vibraphone, ultragreat with the bikes:

'YEAH, BUT POOP? POOP AS A SNACK?'

Suz makes a stink about coprophagia at the zoo, and as with anything involving primates, the humans start talking about why we don't act like that:

"Ultimately, we are highly cognitive and highly social apes, and our social rules have predominated in terms of what's expected and what's not with regard to our bodily functions," Stevens said. "We are the most populous primate and we live in very congested and highly densely populated areas. A lot of our customs about urine and feces are about sanitation and are very important for us in terms of our survivability."

Translation: "If we could, we would."

NOTE: BOISE IS FULL OF DUDES

From the NYT:

A former trading post on the Oregon Trail, Boise now has microbreweries, coffee houses and bohemian chic boutiques inhabiting brick storefronts downtown. Beefy men in chamois shirts debate fishing tackle over steins of beer, while others with goatees and pierced lips sip chai lattes and discuss herbal medicine.

Maybe the women are all hiding in the chic boutiques.

'I'M GAY' ... 'IT'S RAINING DICKS' ... 'I DIVIDE YOU BY FUCKING'

Eminem on German television. Thank God for the curse words:

DON'T THEY REALIZE ...

... that "FullBar" kinda sounds like "FUBAR"?

MR. WOBBLE'S NIGHTMARE

The literally fruity video, in which we find that Kid606 is indeed just fucking with us, even though the song is totally creepy, especially when you hear it while trying to review Shout At The Döner:

(NOT SO) EASILY DISTRACTED

Wrapping up "chicks and darkness" week, I, Poppa, would like to end on "chicks." So, forthwith, I note that I am not easily swayed by gimmicky Web ads that prominently feature boobies. This is because the chosen boobies typically are clipart boobies, and if there's one thing I can say about clipart boobies, it's, "seen two, seen 'em all."

On a higher level: Because my brain is trained to know that there might be boobies over there, I'm usually able to peripherally enjoy the boobies -- as much as clipart boobies retain an iota of entertainment -- without, y'know, actually falling for the marketing ploy.

I see, but I don't look, because I am strong.*

This ad really jarred me into looking, however, because it's not really about boobies, it's about cleavage. Fuckin' power of suggestion. Shit, they got me. I didn't notice her white-ass teeth until right now. At least I didn't actually click on it:

* HOORAY FOR CONSCIOUSNESS

YEAH, THIS IS KINDA ALRIGHT

Headbanger, soulful:

Found via this; h/t to Citizen Mom.

THE ANCIENT PILLAGER IN ME HAS AWAKENED

I noted earlier today that just when you think ESPN has found a new love (Mark Sanchez, A-Rod, etc.), old fart Brett Favre decides to float the idea that he might be coming out of retirement. All-a-sudden, you can almost hear the squeals of delight emanating from Connecticut: GRANDPAPPY QB IS BACK! PREPARE THE METAPHORICAL HARD-ONS!

Anyway, I could give a shit about Brett Favre. As the day rolled on, though, I began to think more and more about the image of Rachel Nichols standing in front of a viking boat. Sure, it's just a cheesy, NFL-ized replica. And I rarely find myself thinking about Rachel Nichols at all. So I'm a little disappointed in myself for being so easily titillated by such a juxtaposition. But still, it's squishy-weird up in here. Let's just leave it at that. Pic:

THIS COMMERCIAL SHOOTS ITSELF IN THE FOOT

So when you watch this advertisement for a credit-report agency ...

... have you noticed how the camera totally lingers on her ass?

 

Here's what I take away from it: The plot is that Jackass Curly-Haired Dude married his Dream Girl, but her credit was bad, so instead of having a suburban home full of connubial bliss -- or being a hotshit bachelor -- he's forced to live with her in her parents' basement. Thus, the heirarchy is this:

Suburban home w/ Dream Girl
Awesome bachelor pad w/o Dream Girl
In-laws' basement w/ Dream Girl

The message is supposed to be: Free ass and/or spousal love means nothing if you've got to suffer for it, so check your credit and your spouse's.

But that ass-shot is too conspicuous. It seems to be a defiant, rebellious, subversive piece of editorializing by the director.

So I take away this message: Ignore the marketing content of this commercial. If you can get a young chick with a firm ass to actually marry you -- and her parents are willing to financially support you in any way, even through quasi-subsidized housing -- just shut the fuck up and tap that ass.

A NOTE ABOUT BLACK PLAY-DOH

It's much more goth than I expected:

You see the black cap, and you think, "this is for kids." But then you open it, and it has an inky, soulless, none-more-black quality to it. And then you feel really alone.

I LOVE THIS 7-INCH, SO I'M POSTING THIS

From the May 1 RevHQ Update e-mail:

---------------
REVHQ FUN FACT
---------------
If you're a fan of the No For An Answer "You Laugh" 7", you may
have noticed that the liner notes list the band as having four
members: Dan, Gavin, John and Casey. But if you take a closer
look at the live group photo that appeared in the layout, you
will see that there are actually 5 people on stage. So who was
this mystery man? It is none other than Orange County,
California's own Rob Haworth. While he was better known for his
tenures in Hard Stance, Farside and State Of The Nation, Rob did
clock some hours as the second guitarist for No For An Answer
and even ended up on the B-side label of the record. And even
though he didn't record with the band all was not lost; he is
mentioned on the thank you list as "Rob Hayworth (sic) our
newest member." Check out the photos here:
http://revhq.com/images/misc/404/RobHaworth.jpg

No For An Answer: Epitonic.com

This raises a question: Why is it so easy to be reflexively nerdy about first-gen hardcore?

POPPA CESSPOOL'S DRINKING RULES FOR THE KENTUCKY DERBY (EX POST FACTO)

I am a man of few aristocratic proclivities, but I have no qualms expressing a seasonal urge to consume Pimms No. 1 Cup, perhaps at the expense of culturally mandated sojourns with mint juleps, a concoction that I find most pleasant, but perhaps lacking in intrigue, even when made with a highly preferable variety of bourbon.

JERRY BLAVAT NEEDS A NEW HEAD SHOT

No disrespect intended, dude. You've seen things and done things that I cannot fathom. You probably know people who would kneecap me just because you're thinking about it. You don't even have to say it. Bang, somebody shows up and kneecaps me.

You're a legend, and I'm not. You're totally cut, and I'm not. You're the Geator With the Heater, an I'm a thirtysomething blogger who already needs Rogaine and Just For Men.

You are probably responsible for a significant number of the romances that led to the procreation of my friends and known associates.

In summation, you are famous and people get laid because of you. I totally admire this.

But dude, I'm seeing this head shot more frequently these days, and the more I see it, the less I like it. Everything about it is stiff: your jacket, your hat, your smile, the tilt of your head, and so on. You look like an action figure or a wax statue. You're the Geator: a lively, vibrant radio god. Your head shot should say, "if you come near me, you might catch on fire from the blazing force of my record-selection skills and verbal improvisations."

This head shot says, "take the damn picture already so I can go eat lunch."

Anyway, please don't hurt me.