The ol' 1998 VW Golf, a dark green GL edition, managed to churn through about 115,000 miles, fueled by Cesspoolian checks (much currency flows) and Jiffy Lube visits. Things had been a little rough lately: The tailpipe fell off the muffler, the cigarette lighter was fried by too much Sirius (don't even get me started about the secondary fuse for that biatch) and general disarray was starting to set in. Two nights before a vacation to the Outer Banks, we attempted to do our part in the war on terror by making a "trip to church" (Costco) for "weeknight services" (a pre-vacation stockup).
Our evening churchin' was predicated by the very Catholic notion that Costco only accepts American Express. Alas, Tha Mrs. had been forced to leave church earlier the same day without "communion" (a cartload of stuff) because she forgot to "confess her sins" (bring an Amex card). [Ed. note: I'm avoiding a "collection plate" riff because I'm just not crass like that.]
But back to the car, before I'm excommunicated from Costco: Our attempt to leave the city was derailed by the general petulance of a certain dark green 1998 VW Golf. It finally succumbed to electrical problems that may have originated in a bad distributor cap, but may have been something much more sinister. In any case, AAA towed the heap back to home base, and there it sat for the length and breadth of the vacation.
And now you must behold the roll call of accidents that befell the vehicle, in relatively accurate chronological order:
-- two (2) rear-endings on U.S. 50 in Northern Virginia that were not the fault of the driver. STATUS: Both repairs paid by other drivers.
-- one (1) front-end crunch probably perpetrated by a large SUV whose owner-operator had no clue about the carnage that had been inflicted. STATUS: Not reported. Collision coverage had been removed.
-- one (1) dent to the rear passenger's side door. Not the fault of the driver. May or may not have occurred in the parking lot of a major retailer. STATUS: Not reported. Collision coverage had been removed.
-- one (1) dent to the rear driver's side door inflicted by somebody who came to the end of our street, wanted to turn right, discovered that it was a one-way street, and then made a wide truck-driver left, harshly scraping the door along the way. Witnessed by a neighborhood denizen who later offered to vouch for the event; his entreaties were ignored ... because why fix one door when the rest of the car's body is janky? STATUS: Not reported. Collision coverage had been removed.
-- one (1) dent to the driver's door that came at the hands of an ancient, ditzy, Ambien-bedazzled Main Line broad who backed right into me while I was trying to leave the parking lot of Hymie's Deli at a speed of -- no lie -- about 8 miles per hour. I was so hung over and tired that I was like, "whatever, just watch where you're going next time." This is a source of humor among certain relatives. I agree ... I should've shook her down for $100 or something. But I just wanted to get out of there. STATUS: Not reported. Collision coverage had been removed.
So the car -- post vacation and post hand blister -- looked exactly like this:
(If you look real hard, you can see my reflection in the front fender. The car was also missing one hub cap.)
Anyway, a junkyard paid us $300 to tote it away. The thought of driving it to various car dealers -- and waiting for it to die along the way -- was too much to bear. And I doubt anybody on eBay or Cars.com would've spent much more than three bills to take it off our hands. I never even saw the genteel wreckers claim the beast. Tha Mrs. took the check.
To celebrate, we bought a brand new Mazda 3 hatchback, S edition.